Not until it was recently pointed out to me did I realize that it has been far, far too long since I commented on some of my favorite people watching escapades in the space. (And by comment, I clearly mean eviscerated…) Armed only with a steely resolve to right this wrong immediately, I spent a few days paying attention to the social foibles occurring around me (and believe me, they are aplenty, especially in a place as rife with tourists as Oahu). The big winner this week?

The Gym Couple.

I fully realize that I have used the gym on more than one occasion to point out some of the more egregious transgressions in our society today. I know for a fact I have mentioned the Guy Who Goes To Hit On Girls, and possibly even Full Hair and Makeup Girl. To be clear, for the most part, I do not begrudge my fellow gym goers. As April, the syrupy sweet grad student that works behind the front desk, pointed out to me just yesterday, we have doctors and lawyers and students, but at six a.m. in gym shorts, we're all the same.

And she was right.

I have no problem with people of varying sizes and shapes that show up every morning to work out, no matter how random that work out may be. Heck, in college, Pop used to have me push our truck up and down the road as off-season football training. (Long story, not important) If folks show up, work hard, are trying to better themselves…I applaud them. And I'm all too happy to wait a minute for a piece of equipment or find an alternate exercise while they do their thing.

HOWEVER….One of the more appalling sights at the gym, and we've all seen it, is the Gym Couple.

To be clear, the gym couple are not the pair that show up together, go their own way, then leave together. I have no beef with these folks, and the odds are one day I'll fall into this category it happens.

No, the Gym Couple is the duo that comes and “works out” together. And by works out together I mean they came, usually in some form of matching attire. They start on cardio machines, always the same ones, always side by side. Neither use headphones, theyre too busy chatting to one another. The entire time the guy is frantically looking around to make sure nobody goes near/is looking at his girl while the girl stares at the ground, trying in vain not to make eye contact with anyone.

After cardio, they then wander around the weight room for awhile. They always choose the exercises furthest removed from everybody else, the guy attempting to “coach” the girl through the movements, though he really doesn't know what he's doing either. Both of them use weight that is so small they'd be better off staying home and lifting a gallon of milk out of the fridge a few times.

Between sets, there is usually copious amounts of touching, though not necessarily PDA. Just more We-Are-Spoken-For vibes to the rest of the room, none of which cares.

Finally, after twenty minutes or so, they depart together, now holding hands. Neither have even approached breaking a sweat.

I know I prolly sound sanctimonious and maybe even borderline mean spirited here, but please for the love of all things holy, DO NOT be this duo. There are plenty of ways for couples to work out just fine together. Being the Gym Couple is certainly not one of them…

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