It was not-so-delicately hinted to me over the weekend that it has been a couple weeks since I updated, and even longer since I wrote anything remotely smartass, and that I should remedy both of these ASAP. I tried and
tried to refute said allegation by pointing out I have been buried at work, and writing a ton, but it was to no avail.
Besides…they were right, and for that I apologize.
As a way of trying to make amends, I am returning to that unending fount of unintentional comedic gold and covering something that I’ve noticed a hundred times before but never directly addressed. That ends now.
At the end of most workouts, I pop into the sauna for a few minutes before hitting the showers. I, like most I would guess, do it for a few minutes to release a few toxins, cleanse any extra water, etc. I don’t stay long, and try not to be a nuisance while I’m there.
That is a credo a good many fellow sauna would be well-served in adopting.
Without further ado, I give you the ten people you will meet in the sauna…
(This is in no particular order, b/c trying to say any one is better than another is just crazy talk. Also, I say guy after each one, but women are just as culpable on every front..)
Fragrance Guy ~ For some reason, the thought of smelling, you know, sweat, in a sauna just makes some people break
out into hives. Never mind that they are at a gym, or that they will only be subjected to said scent for five minutes, they simply cannot enter without having a bottle of some smelly-good to help them get through. Never mind that the rest of us are stuck w/ burning eyes and nostrils after they’ve unloaded half a bottle of peppermint oil on the sauna rocks…
Has-To-Be-Laying-Down Guy ~ Perhaps even a half-step up on the rude scale from Fragrance Guy is HTBLD Guy. It
doesn’t matter if there is standing room only in the sauna, they will stretch their pasty, sweaty body out like a cat in a sunbeam, taking up no less than an entire bench to themselves. As it turns out, this is also the gift that keeps on
giving, in the form of their amoeba -shaped puddle left behind…
Moaning Guy ~ Im not quite sure what some people experience while sitting in a sauna, but from what I can tell, it must be on par w/ a world class Swedish massage. They moan, chortle, wheeze, and snort their way through their time in
the box as if those magic rocks are putting them through the full spectrum of human emotion. I’m sure there is an enormous amount of insight and speculation that could be done on this one, but for the sake of keeping things family friendly, I shall refrain…
Music Guy ~ Probably the most omni-present of all sauna users, the Music Guy not only forgets that they are no longer lifting/running/doing anything that requires being extremely pumped, they also forget that in a small, silent room
other people can hear what they’re playing. Did I really need to hear the entire, unedited version of Limp Bizkit’s Nookie
this morning to finish my workout, as played through somebody else’s headphones? No…no I did not.
Exercise Guy ~ A close relative of Music Guy, Exercise Guy doesn’t seem to realize that the “gym”is the 10,000 square feet with all the equipment right outside, preferring instead to do all his working out inside a 7×7 room with three people
looking on at all times. (As if the added heat and spectators suddenly legitimizes a workout consisting entirely of calisthenics w/ 40% range of motion…)
Yoga Guy ~ Another in the same family tree as the previous two, Yoga Guy uses the enhanced thermal settings to recreate his own personal Bikram studio. The only problem? There are often multiple other people being forced to stand so that he
could probably execute his downward facing dog…
Water Guy ~ There are actually two forms of the water guy, though often they are the same person performing both. The first is the guy that, b/c they are actually sweating while sitting in a 200 degree room, acts as if they must
replenish all lost fluids in a 9-to-1 ratio. If watching them drink water was an actual drinking game, the rest of us would be passed out w/in minutes.
The second form is the same fella, who insists on tossing just as much water on the sauna rocks every thirty seconds. Never mind that by the time he’s done, the steam is so thick nobody can see or breath, or that he only stays
three minutes, those stones are going to be fully saturated the entire time…
Avoids Eye Contact Guy ~ This particular individual comes most likely as a result of the last two, resembling a teenager buying condoms at a mini-mart for the first time. They open the door just wide enough to pass sideways through,
sit/stand on the edge of the room, keep hands folded the entire time, and never raise their gaze from the tile extended beyond their toes. At first glance they may seem bit out of place, until considering…
Talking Guy ~ For my money, the most dreaded of all sauna dwellers. The Talking Guy lays in wait for any unsuspecting victims, often sitting outside so as to not limit their time w/in, just waiting for some poor unsuspecting soul to enter.
Once they do, the Talking Guy jumps in close behind, using the time as his own personal Sunday Church Social. The only person arguably
Naked Guy ~ We’ve
all seen this individual, and we all wish we hadn’t. Adorned only in a wash rag
pulling double duty as a loin cloth, they sit front and center, spread eagle,
with sweat rolling over every inch of their exposed, ahem, glory. (I could
continue, but for the sake of us all, I’ll just stop