Seeing as how it has effectively been six months since handing out my most recent batch of awards, I feel I am far overdue for pedaling out another group of highly-debatable, usually-hilarious, guaranteed-right-or-you-get-your-money back accolades. My targeted subject matter this go round?? WEDDING SEASON!!

<<insert cheesy dance here>>

In a rare twist of fate, I have somehow attended over thirty weddings in my lifetime, more even than the number of years I have been on this earth. Some of been breathtaking, some have been heartbreaking, some have been hilarious, some have been an outright $#%@show. Anyway you look at it thought, they've all been memorable. That being said, I am here to scrape together my pics for the best of all the wedding related pageantry I have been subjected to over the years…

(as always, all names have been altered so to protect the sweet and innocent…)

BEST BACHELOR PARTY STORY

While being fully aware that most bachelor/bachelorette party stories are meant to stay hidden away until the end of time, the pictures viewed once and deleted forever, the names and dates scrubbed from memories Men in Black style, this one is pretty good and very safe to share…

Instead of having ourselves a knockdown drag-out affair, this particular groom decided that he wanted to have a paintball outing. During said outing, one of the groomsmen decided he was going to do some sniping…from high in a tree…which very few footholds…

Yep…spent that wedding in traction. (It's funny now, I swear)

BEST WEDDING TOAST

While we've all seen a few moments of drunken lewdness, or blatant oversharing, this particular tale has nothing of either. Instead, it involves a best man who decided to take his show on the road, grabbing up the mic and walking the length of the wedding party and back several times in the course of his rambling. What he didn't realize was that by the time he was done, his feet were completely wrapped in the cord he'd been dragging along behind him.

Long story short, when he attempted to hand it back, the cord slammed his feet together, he started flailing his arms like a stork on steroids, and keeled straight backwards….in the wedding cake.

Barely enough to feed the bride and groom survived.

BEST FOOD

This one isn't even close. Now, bear in mind, that's not a knock on any of the other weddings I've been to, as they have all come to play big time in the grub department, it's merely an expression of the thorough dominance that this particular wedding displayed.

Hosted at the Greenwich Yacht Club (right?!), I had the good fortune of being a +1, a friend of a friend that was little more than a wide-eyed fly on the wall for the evening. While I could easily, easily, go on for hours about the spread these people put on, I will do my best to sum it up.

— Over 3,000 shrimp, oysters on the half shell, and other assorted goodies AS THE COCKTAIL HOUR HORS D'OUEVRES
–A six course dinner that included fresh pasta, filet mignon, etc.
–At exactly midnight, a dessert table (they had a fancy name for it that I have since forgotten from my food adled stupor) that took up an entire side room, featured every Italian delicacy on the planet, and featured a five tiered chocolate fountain

I am literally salivating just thinking about it…

BEST LOCATION

This was a tough one to decide on, as there have been some major contenders for this title over the years. Streamside in the Colorado Rockies? Breathtaking. The National Cathedral? Awe-inspiring.

The one that really took the cake for me, though? A colonial inn in Lexington, Massachusetts. Now, before you go getting all judgmental, allow me to explain…

This particular wedding took place on Christmas Eve, complete with all the appropriate colors and trimmings. The world was completely covered in white, the bride walked down the aisle to Silent Night and a teams of colonially attired carolers provided the wedding/cocktail hour music.

It was simple, it was quaint, and it worked beautifully.


As something of a wedding savant at this point, I could go for hours on this, but I shall stop there.

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