Without further adieu…
The first Christmas that Lil Stevens and his lady friend were together, he thought it would be some sort of aww-inducing moment to give her a kitten. Don't ask me how or why a full-grown, red-blooded, American male would EVER want anything to do w/ a kitten, but to his credit, his heart was in the right place. Unfortunately for him, that place just proved to be very, very short sighted.
Fast forward now eight years later, and that lovely little kitten has now grown into a full-on hellcat. We're talking the evil spawn of Cerberus, Cujo, and Scar from the Lion King. (Im aware that those aren't all cats, but they best depict this little bugger, so I'm going with it) Dubbed Arnie, this little critter has grown into a robust animal that is needy, tempestuous, attention-starved, combative, and just plain angry. He loves nothing more than waiting until someone is asleep to pounce on their chest and swat them in the face. He keeps hours that make a graveyard shift waitress yawn. He is even especially masterful at slamming himself against bedroom doors at three in the morning, and then disappearing when you emerge from your sleep, staggering and bleery eyed, hellbent on destroying this thing.
I cannot overstate this enough. Pure, molten, evil. (As most cats are…but that's another story for another time)
Anyway, perhaps the most odd characteristic of Arnie is that he is a complete and utter house cat. Indoors, he prefers to think himself a panther on the prowl. Outside? A complete puddy tat that pretty much gets owned by every other critter in the neighborhood.
Compounding this problem is the fact that he absolutely lives for the moment that any door in the house opens, making it his mission to shoot between your legs and out into the great wide open where two things are certain to follow: (1) He will get his ass kicked, and (2) you will become very angry chasing him all over the neighborhood.
Two weekends ago, I was privy to such a situation. Returning home from the store, Lil Stevens was carrying sacks into the house, left the door open a shade too long, and allowed the little heathen to escape. Making matters worse was the fact that we didn't notice this until a neighborhood kid came over and knocked on the door, telling my brother that his critter was pinned down a few yards away by no less than a half dozen angry animals.
Random quirk number two for dear Arnie: for as big a pansy as he is against other animals, he somehow becomes full on Mufasa when a human being is involved. Fortunately his front claws have been removed, but that hasn't stopped him from shredding every last one of us at some point before with just his back claws. Not fun.
Anyway, the point to all of this is to set the stage for this one glorious moment last weekend, one in which you should be sorry you weren't there. Angry that Arnie had gotten out, Lil Stevens takes off after him. When he got there, Arnie refused to be picked up, tearing into my brother with every bit of venom this little demon seed could muster. Just a minute into their tussle, the score was clearly Arnie – 1, Lil Stevens – 0.
Attempting a different tact, Lil Stevens removed his shirt and threw it over Arnie, using the makeshift cloak to wrap him up and carry him away. The problem with this? The shorts he was wearing were too baggy to stay up unassisted.
The take home from this story? I dunno if Ill ever see anything as supremely amusing as seeing my shirtless, bleeding brother stomping back home, cat cradled in his arms hissing while wrapped in a t-shirt, bare ass hanging out for the world to see…
Without further adieu…